I accidentally had phone sex last night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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