My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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