Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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