the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
