We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
