jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
