Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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