the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
