My first STD was from a foam party
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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