Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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