I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
