i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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