I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
