i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
