Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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