From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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