Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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