Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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