At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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