I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
