I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize