i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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