So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize