the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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