i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
