So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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