She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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