dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
