moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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