what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Found your dick twin last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
