so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
