I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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