My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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