Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
