why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
