Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
