I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
