I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize