My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nicole vs. Life
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She told me I should be a condom model.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
