Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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