I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
