i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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