Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize