I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
