somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
