omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
