Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
