Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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