She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
