She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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