I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
