I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I AM VODKA MAN
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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