thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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