well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
