I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
