Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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