Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
