it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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